Lunch Break

Here's a snapshot of what is floating around in my head (if you watch South Park, I'm probably a bit like what Cartman sees when he closes his eyes). It is nearly noon as I type this. Where does the day go?

I am inspired by the following two things today (beware, things are going to get sappy around here)...

• A quote from Moulin Rouge "The greatest thing you will ever learn is to love and to be loved in return."
• Time spent serving and preparing a community dinner for people who need it on Sunday.

First, the quote... it's just a great quote. I am going to give my boys and the kitty and Timmy and maybe the guinea pig (Not all at the same time) a big squeeze. Peter really needs a big squeeze. He was feeling a little low yesterday. So, if you see him before I do, squeeze him until he squeaks.

Second, the dinner... A&P and a friend needed some more service hours for school so off we went to the community dinner. The boys all worked very hard and made me very proud. They worked for four hours straight to help get dinner on the table for about 50 people who come off of the street once a month for a meal. Some of the people leave prayer requests behind.

I should tell you that Sunday was a miserable rainy day. People came in dripping wet and cold. Some smiled anyway.

I have to tell you about these prayer requests.... if I was homeless or downtrodden and needed a meal... I would be miserable. I would be a pill and a half. I would be pulling my hair out and I would pray for indulgent things like a job and an income and a place to live. This is because I'm selfish and I have too much to learn about how to live my life. Do you know what these people left prayers for? Not a single prayer that I picked up was for something indulgent.

They prayed for...

• the missing oil rig workers
• miners in West Virginia
• peace
• beauty
• happiness
• some signed their names and said thank you
• some didn't say anything at all

Remember, give Peter a squeeze.

More Picture Obstruction & The Beach

Whilst attempting to pose for a family photo at the UGA Botanical Gardens, we again find ourselves obstructed by an interloper. The raised hand has been used to terrorize A&P since they were very little. Uncle Adam, the obstructionist, used the hand to threaten younger versions of A&P by telling them it was a brain sucker. And, the brain sucker was apparently starving. A&P have often told me "Uncle Adam scares me." Ah yes, he scares us too.
But our visit in Athens was short and we were soon off to sandier places outside of St. Augustine. It's amazing how easy A&P are to spot in the water. They're a bit pale after an Ohio winter.

Cousins make good beach pals and we spent our afternoon digging in the sand for shark's teeth and tossing about in the waves.

We'll report again as time permits and without the interloper, I suppose, unless we can find another one.

The Devil Made Me Do It

Meetings started before 7am this morning and I'm still going at 5:30 pm. I am starting to lose my mind.

I'm not sure I'm still effective because I am starting to want to hurt people with office supplies. (Dear employee, if I am looking at you strangely it's because I'm wondering how I could stuff wads of paper in ...) I think I'll leave that thought to my inside voice.

My assistant accuses me of sniffing white-out. That's got to be better than the rubber cement we spread all over our desks in 5th grade.

Back to the present, I managed to throw dinner in the oven although I was supposed to do it last night for the crock pot. Details!

I think all of this business and year end craziness beyond all normalcy and reason is causing me to lose touch with my children. Andrew told me last night that he wants to be a grape when he grows up. I can only hope he's talking about champagne grapes. Today he reassessed and informed me that he's back on for archeology. I'm glad, but I would have loved him even he was a grape- even a yellowed grocery store grape.

Now that's love, huh? Please excuse me while I undo this string of paperclips that I could probably use to....

Things That Make Me Mad

I am not an easy person to love. Actually, I'm really rather difficult. I'm opinionated, objectionable, self absorbed, surly and at times talk in a way that would make a longshoreman blush.

I know all this. My husband knows all this. Take a few minutes and feel exceptionally sorry for him for the next 15 seconds. OK, that's enough. He has a whole lot of angry, loud mouthed girl on his hands.

Truth be told, I get paid to be surly and loud mouthed. It's perfect. I love going to work and being opinionated and hollering at people that deserve it. My dearly loved assistant functions as my gatekeeper- shooing people away when I'm in the middle of a "smack down." She shoos them away not because she's afraid I'll eat the next person who comes into my office, but because she's listening to my tirade. I do love her so (and she knows it!) Just for good measure, feel sorry for her for the next 15 seconds also. OK, that's enough.

Now for my confession. I got so mad today- boiling over ready to kick the wall, probably need an anger management intervention mad. Yea, that's kind of mad. This person made me so irate that I wanted to come home and play the song I always used to play in college when I broke up with a boy (yes, they were all boys and there were lots of them and they don't know what they missed and I NEVER waited for them to call). When I played the song, you were out. Flat out, way out. (It's a "Stone Roses" song, I have it around here somewhere. I've never played it since I met Tim.) But today, I wanted to pull it out and blast it over a loudspeaker to make sure that this person knows...

I AM DONE AND YOU SUCK.

I am so done that I hope your license shrivels up and falls off your office wall. Yep, so done. You know why? I don't wait for a week to have someone call me back. I don't wait for ANYTHING. (See, I told you I was scary and self absorbed. Feel sorry for Tim and Michelle again.) I have shown self control and complete professionalism and YOU, yes YOU WHO SHALL BE UNNAMED TO PROTECT YOU, THE NOT INNOCENT, are a big TURD.

I feel so much better. Thank you and come again for a visit. I promise I'll be more restrained.

Isn't blogging just a great way to get that out. *sigh*

Ode to My Administrative Assistant

This week is Administrative Assistants' Week. I think there should be a proclamation that gives these people, or one particular person, who puts up with all of their boss' garbage, a month of presents.

This is what she does for me:

• Gives me pens so I don't have to write in crayon
• Sends my mail so I don't have to walk to the mailbox
• Writes my letters so I don't sound stupid
• Guards my calendar like a mama bear
• Force feeds me chocolate first thing in the morning
• Talks to my husband about what's for dinner
• Puts up with my mood swings and violent outbursts (OK, no she is not abused, don't even go trying to steal her from me)
• Makes me smile every day

Let's pretend money and time are no object. This is the day I would plan for her...

• Donuts from Wixey's
• Shopping at her favorite stores including the smelly soap place- can't remember what they call it
• A spa visit of some sort. Someone has to massage the stress of working with me out of her poor neck.
• Lunch at the Mexican place on the river because its her favorite even though it's not my favorite. That's OK. It's her day and I won't complain- not one bit.
• Dessert. We will get 4 kinds of dessert and spread them out and eat them all afternoon while letting the phone ring off the hook.
• We'll need a nap.
• Then I'd give her the "I'm surrounded by idiots" button even though it's sold out and I'd have to pay $500 for it on EBay
• We'll be hungry and thirsty by laughing at the button so it will be back out for margarita's and some dancing. Yes, I will dance too. It will be dark so don't worry, no one will see.
• We'll stay out late even though we know it will be hard to get up in the morning. Once a year we're allowed.

Thank you for everything you do for me. I am the luckiest person and I don't think you know how much I value your thoughts, work and just being you. I am so proud of you and I hope that you know this every day and not just the once a year that we think about it.

So, can you pick up some donuts tomorrow?

A Post About Nothing in Particular

I had about five different ideas for a post tonight. None of them are cultivating in my brain to any extent that would result in sentences or complete thoughts. Lots of stuff is brewing at the office- interesting- I unfortunately don't work in a brewery. Here are some synaptic snippets:

• Two pairs of baseball shoes (I'm told they're called cleats), 4 pairs of baseball socks, some pants, some special underwear and I guess two boys are ready for baseball season.
• I leave my best self behind at work, I think. I am nearly always on my best behavior there and I get a lot done most days. At home, none of us are on our best behavior and we don't get anything done. We do manage to eat dinner together. I actually lit the candles.
• Endings are usually beginnings. Windows open when doors close.
• I had a dream the other night that someone important was trying to tell me to do something that needed to be done, but I wasn't listening. I hope I listen better than this when I'm awake.
• The very strong willed child who berates me in public for not buying the chocolate donuts is of stern character and will not live with me after he graduates from college due to his fervent independence.

Finally, Alas, Poor Henry! What of poor Henry. He had relatives here. One donated land that founded a church, but no one wrote anything of Henry, dead at 10 in 1852. It might have been cholera. I'm on the case.

Code Words

Once when I was a kid, a neighbor used a code word with her kids to tell them to shape up without causing a big scene. This is subtle and classy. I prefer screaming or the evil eye, but I dabble in subtle.

The evil eye is a successful behavior management tool but it works mainly with children and spouses. Coworkers tend to think you have a bug in your eye or that you're hitting on them because you're winking or otherwise contorting your face. Regardless, the eye is a unique opportunity to practice telepathy. This is not working out well for me at all. I postulate people are saying in their heads...

Hey! Let's get 4 pounds of chocolate and speed eat it before noon!

She's really thinking: This is the dumbest looking spreadsheet I've ever seen.

Or with my kids: Wow, we have the best Mom ever!

The kid is really thinking: Wow, my Mom is the meanest Mom ever because I am the only kid in 6th grade without an unlimited text messaging plan.

Back to the code words, the neighbor's word was banana. Subtle? Yes. Odd enough that the kid will figure it out and get his feet off of Aunt Mildred's coffee table? Certainly. So if it works with a kid, why not adults?

For a special highly confidential project, I came up with a code word for referencing it. (I'll tell you the code, but I may have to kill you.) It was Medicare. Odd, but workable. We used the code without incident for several months until one day, it completely left my head. Vamoose. Asta la vista, Baby...

Cohort: Hey, how's the Medicare project coming?

Me: What on Earth are you talking about?

Cohort: (Nudging me, and winking emphatically) You know MEDICARE. What's the latest?

Me: Are you insane? I have no project for this. My Grandma is on Medicare, does that count?

Cohort: (Slapping head, repeatedly) No, MEDICARE. Come one, MEDICARE!

Me: (Getting really annoyed) No really, nothing.

Cohort: (Shocked, dismayed, likewise annoyed, in a whisper says) You know... (The Project)

Me: OOPS.

It was my own word and I completely spaced it out. Easy come, easy go.

Case in point, I tried a code word in a meeting with another cohort who does not often attend meetings. He has strong opinions (a strength) but sometimes lacks the appropriate filter (an opportunity for skill enhancement). So before the meeting I said "Hey, our code word is EGGPLANT. If I mention EGGPLANT, you need to put a sock in your kisser."

Off we went with our Eggplant in tow. As expected, my cohort was voraciously expressing his opinions so I say under my breath "Hey, Eggplant." He looked at me like I was an organic vegetarian produce farmer holding a plateful of cheeseburgers and continued his discussion. I tried again "Eggplant" and I kind of kicked his chair.

Nothing. No reaction.

"BANANA!" I exclaim in the middle of this meeting. He was so shocked that he stopped talking. Of course, everyone was now staring at me. Using my telepathic powers I know exactly what they were thinking "She is AWESOME!"