Monday, February 9, 2009

In Your Corners!

If I hear one more scream, or yelp, or

"MOM, he's coming after me with something pointy!", I am resigning.

Yes, I am resigning. Having a sibling is not an easy thing. Having a sibling that looks exactly like you and probably does everything that drives you straight to crazy town, has it's own set of problems. Regardless, I, heretofore, refuse to be your referee. You're on your own.

Dear Children:

First, let me say that I appreciate the confidence you have placed in me as your Mother. I realize that at the time you hired me, I was not qualified in the least. Peter, you especially have an axe to grind since I let you roll off of the ottoman when you were like 3 weeks old. I pretty much caught you anyway, so no damage done. Andrew, I used to paint your toenails so I wouldn't confuse you with your brother. I see now that this was just the first of many errors, so how you've tolerated my sub-standard parenting performance this long, is beyond me.

I think it would be best to tender a resignation, but Dad thinks I could be rehabilitated with the use of some aggressive metrics, timetables and charts of my shortcomings. Besides, I've become rather attached to you even when you're screaming "I HATE YOU!" or "I WON'T EAT THAT FOR DINNER!"

We set some pretty aggressive goals earlier this year and I know I've failed. Case in point, I was supposed to stop talking like a truck driver. I haven't and I've probably gotten worse. Just wait until Grandma finds out that Peter's favorite word in a stressful situation is "crap." I was never allowed to say that so I guess I'll have my parents to answer to as well. This totally sucks.

I'm not sure that goals will help since I do this job for no pay, no retirement plan and no health coverage, no mini bar and no expense account. I could really use a psychiatrist on call but your HMO keeps denying it. Regardless, I had to get that job I go to everyday to keep my sanity and everyday about 3:00 I wonder what the heck I think I'm doing leaving you two home alone. I really wish you would only fight in the basement so there's no opportunity for neighbors to peer inside and see you body slamming each other on the kitchen floor.

Now that you're 12, our only hope may be military school. I've been threatening this since you were born and refused to breathe. It didn't work then and heck, I'm pretty sure it's not working now. Really the choice is yours. You can barely make yourselves toast and if I left you alone for more than about 2 hours I'm pretty sure you'd be smothered by your dirty socks. I suppose I can stay around for awhile to get you a little more grown up, but if you ever call me at work again to make me referee your little showdown from off site, I'll bounce you both into last week. Yes, last week and on different days- so you don't fight about that too.

Love Yo Mama


Kurt Young said...

Military school for not breathing at birth, you can do that? Really? I've got a six year old ready to ship. However, what ever happened to gypsies? You sold the kids for a fair price and they learned one of many valuable careers including fortune telling or grifting. To quote the 9 year old who did breathe at birth but grunted, resulting in her being placed into an oxygen set up like a cheese lid, I'm just a "big meanie".

You go Jennifer.

bernthis said...

I wish my daughter could understand this, she is five, b/c I think it says what I think. Mind if I print it and say it for way later?

JBA said...

Kurt: I gave up on the gypsies. They kept bringing the boys back something about them "asking too many questions." And for the record, being a big meanie should get you a prize.

Jessica, all yours. Though you might want to omit the rolling off the footstool part so she doesn't hold that against you. P.S. your blog and your film shorts are a riot!

Cynthia said...

Tough treatment in the make it or break it Make Friends Sibling School, JBA. My sister struggled with a similiar situation with her boy twins. (She did send one to military school for a semester!)Take heart and realize that it's a good thing they call you at work...after all that means you still have the all powerful mommy authority...i.e. you can influence them. <3

Cynthia said...

Oh yes, and "keep on truckin'" it doesn't hurt to let off a little verbal steam!

Sparky ♥ ∞ said...

Gosh, I'm laughing so hard my sides (and surgery) hurt!! Stop that! A career sounds so much more fun than parenthood. LOL

BTW, you're probably gonna hate me for, like, a 1,000 years, but you've been tagged! I figured you didn't have enough to do. Nah, nah, nah, nah ... LOL Have fun! ♥ ∞

Pearl said...

Came across you and I'm so glad I did. You are FUNNY and I will be back.

Oladapo Ogundipe said...

I do love twins and your humour

Anonymous said...

I just spewed Dr. Pepper through my nose, that post is the funniest thing I've read in a looong time. Can I save this post and use it as a threat later?!?

Thanks for the laugh!

JBA said...

Thanks for the visit folks! I may need to write more letters to my children, or my co-workers, possibly my parents, definitely my brother Adam, the water department, the federal government, France... I think I'll be busy.