Saturday, February 21, 2009

Things that are Slow

  • The line I pick at the grocery store.
  • Elephant gestation.
  • Televised award shows.
  • Recitations of Puritan sermons.
  • Ulysses, by James Joyce.
  • Mail in Rebates.
  • Wagnerian operas.
  • Professional seminars.
  • Omelet bars.
  • Mail order wine.
  • Toll plazas in Chicago.
  • Anything having to be stenciled.
  • Purgatory.
  • A&P.

Peter is especially slothful...

Me: Put your shoes on- the bus is coming in 10 minutes.

Peter: In a minute, I'm (Pick two- Reading, picking lint from my toes, laying in bed, staring at myself in the mirror, eating, combing my hair, complaining about my shirt, counting the hair on my right big toe, ignoring you. )

Andrew is similarly situated...

Me: We have to leave in 5 minutes.

Andrew: In a minute, I'm (Pick two- putting on my socks, reading a novel, arguing with you about who or what started the Battle at Gettysburg, staring into space, peeling an orange, inventing a hover car out of Popsicle sticks and string, ignoring you.)

To address this I could:

  • Scream
  • Argue
  • Beg
  • Plead
  • Drink
  • Laugh maniacally
  • Have another drink
  • Pray
  • Pull the fire alarm
  • Threaten any number of things including, but not limited to, the elimination of air, food or shelter
  • Make a souffle
  • Stencil my driveway
  • Read Ulysses
  • Recite my favorite sermons of fire and ice by Jonathan Edwards
  • Calculate how long my parental transgressions will get me sentenced in the after-life
  • Watch the bus leave and my offspring walk to school.

Kid: Mom, are you going to take me to (Pick two, scouts, school, church, the library, the store, prison, to see my probation officer)?

Me: Hmmmm, I'm moving a bit like a tortoise today....come back in an hour.


Cynthia said...

Cute and clever! I don't get the impression that you are slow...rather the opposite. Who's fibbing! I think that time goes slow when you are fastpaced...who ever thought that raising twins would ever allow the luxury of slow movement? Go read Ulysses, I dare you. :-)

Sparky ♥ ∞ said...

Another thing that is slow: having to go to the Emergency Room out-of-state with a severe bladder infection. I just did that. [sigh]

I opt for the drinking and laughing manically. One gets lots of attention that way. :o) ♥ ∞

Shonda Little said...

My oldest boy is just like this, slow as molasses. It's enough to make me want to drink vodka while getting him ready for school. You have my total sympathy.

Pearl said...

I like how you think!

JBA said...

Fiber One cereal and Vodka for breakfast. It makes everything ok. Really, it does.

Yoli said...

Love turtles.

Linda S. Socha said...

This is TOO cute. As a mom with grown kids...I can still remember....Love your organizational skills in writing!
I bet you are a gal with a list who can get things done!...I recognize them :>)....being one.

Stop by Psyche Connections and say hello if you are out and about...No need to hurry

Anonymous said...

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- audrey