- I have a big mouth.
- I swear.
- I occasionally take prisoners.
- I eat all the office candy, usually before 9am.
- I run into things and trip on the stairs.
- I tell lots of Knock Knock jokes.
- I wear high heels to intimidate my foes until I trip and fall.
To protect my employer, my co-workers and any other innocent parties, let's pretend I work for a not for profit "pet food manufacturer". This organization has taken me in and taught me everything there is to know about pet food. I'm not allowed around pets because I'm allergic and I might do the wrong thing- like step on someones tail. Instead, I get to do all the pet food sales negotiations.
This fabulous victuals purveyor had a fund raising event this past weekend. Many of my cohorts were in attendance including but not limited to the CEO and others from that particular wing of the building so it's time to pull out the best behavior and supportive undergarments. Me and the spouse got all dressed up and headed for the festivities. I had a nice new dress with a modest neck line. (This is an important feature.)
All in all, I was very well behaved. I didn't drink too much. I didn't fall out of my shoes. I didn't say anything off-color about pets or pet food or pet food purveyors.
Everything was proceeding swimmingly. Peachy, in fact, until I spotted my boss. She is fabulous. She's beautiful and smart and always wears very nice shoes. We have had many a conversation about shoes instead of pet food. I saddled on up to her and had a nice chat about shoes.
How nice and innocent- A chat about shoes at a nice pet food fundraising event. Until the CEO approached us to say hello. In the background the music was blasting and a few folks were bouncing around on the dance floor. (NOTE: I cannot dance. I am a pale skinned Protestant from Wisconsin. )
CFO: Hey! You know Jennifer, right!?
CEO: Sure! Hello!
CFO: Hey! You two should dance!
CEO: Good idea! C'mon, let's go!
Me inside my head: NOOOOOOOOOOOO! This is very, very, very bad.
Before I knew it, this rhythmically challenged dork from Wisconsin is being dragged to the dance floor by the CEO to dance to "Boogie Shoes." Miraculously, it is over in 2 minutes or less and I have not fallen out of my dress or off of my shoes. I have not stepped on him nor have I performed any Jr High dance moves that I learned from MTV. Heavens to Mercitroid, I'm saved...
CEO: Hey! That was short, let's dance another one!
Me inside my head: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! This is very, very, very bad!
Mortified, I smile my biggest toothy grin and flutter my eyelashes as the music changes to (horrors) "Love Shack" by the B52's.
I was stranded with the CEO on the nearly empty dance floor in front of a room with 500 people in it, dancing to "Love Shack."
CEO: Hey! You're a little stiff! Loosen Up!
Unbeknownst to me, all of the executives saw this foot challenged, odd presentation.
On Monday morning, I was doing my best to hide under my desk and plan my exit when two of my male colleagues stormed my office singing "I've got me a car! It's as big as a Whale and it's about to set sail!"
Today it continued at our management meeting. I got a variety of high fives, notes passed to me about having the next dance and folks whispering in my ear "Love Shack Baby!"
The CEO walked by once and I dove into a rubbish receptacle.