Sunday, March 8, 2009

Problematic Dinner Companions

The New York Times has a short article today about dining with Hitler. Truly awful and detestable at best, but I guess one has to eat to have the energy to commit crimes against humanity.

The Fuhrer aside, this article got me to thinking about dinner guests that would pose a multitude of problems for a host. We all have vegetarian friends and friends for whom nuts would be disastrous. Some don't like fish- others no asparagus. Alas, these are not problems for a host- not really. I'll eat nearly anything so I like to think of myself as an easy dinner companion. I'll even share a chocolate dessert with you, if you please, and I'll only complain a teeny, tiny bit.

How about dinner with a thawed out caveman? What would you serve the poor fellow and should you worry that he'll conk you on the head with a lamp or your meat cleaver when you turn your back to stir the French Onion Soup? The smell of the caveman could be a bit strong as well, depending on the amount of time that he's been reanimated. I would suggest, if consulted as an authority on such things and surely I must be because I can't think of any other person anywhere writing about something so ridiculous, the following Caveman protocol:

  • Schedule your dinner at least 6 months after his reanimation to avoid exposure to ancient odors and germs for which you and your other guests have no immunity.

  • Serve all meats with the bones so as to avoid embarrassing your new prehistoric friend.

  • Avoid all flambes or any other flaming foods or drinks.

  • Do not schedule your party on any solstice or equinox in an effort to reduce the probability that one of your other guests, or even you, could become a sacrifice to the sun or moon, or both.

How about dinner with Typhoid Mary? Here was a lady without many friends so perhaps you take pity upon her and invite her over for some fondue? Not only would this result in swift and certain death for you and your other guests, but if you did survive, you might be offering an invitation that is not likely to be accepted by anyone, ever. I have no list of suggestions for Mary so avoid it like the plague.

How about dinner with President Andrew Jackson? He had an interesting Indian removal policy that would be entertaining to discuss. He also had a penchant for dueling so I would recommend:

  • All guests must leave their firearms at the door.
  • Do not allow Mr. Jackson to engage other guests in spirited discussions that could lead to arguments spilling over onto your front yard in reach of firearms.
  • If you see Mr. Jackson counting of 20 paces or some such thing, ask every one to leave and hide under your bed.
  • Some sources attribute the founding of the "Democratic Party" to Mr. Jackson. Knowing this, choose your other companions carefully so as to avoid the ruckus described above.

How about dinner with Marie Antoinette? She had a penchant for masked, formal balls. So if you happen to have a ballroom and 400 other friends, you could consider inviting her to your soiree. I think she might complain a lot and bring servants with her that would have to be fed as well. Make sure you have plenty of extra champagne. Don't be surprised if she hovers around your dessert table and claims all the chocolate mousse for herself while shrilly announcing, regarding the other guests, "Let them eat cake!" If her behavior continues, you may find your other guests chanting her ill-will while whisking Marie into a waiting car with a paper bag over her head. I'm not sure where your liability, as the party thrower stops or starts, but a zealous prosecutor could find you responsible if her head somehow gets separated from her body while on your property. Unless everyone signs a release, it's not worth the hassle.

Dear Reader, what are you doing for dinner?


Sparky ♥ ∞ said...

Geez, we're just having boring salad and wine, no supper guests. But if we were having a party I would definately avoid all the guests mentioned above. [giggle]
Excellent post. It brought us smiles this lazy Sunday afternoon. Hope you're traveling on the Orient Express Bloggyland Tour with us tomorrow!? CYA! :o) ♥ ∞

Teri and the cats of Furrydance said...

Me, I'm going to BBQ pork ribs marinated in Southern Comfort and Peach/Mango V-8 Splash (and have me a couple of Soco n' Lime before, during and after dinner), Cole Slaw with my favorite Maries Cole Slaw Dressing...and Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough ice cream for dessert and sip some B & B liquor as a night cap...and watch either What Just Happened (Robert Deniro) or The Women (Annette Bening) and no, I don't have to go to work tomorrow!

Anonymous said...

HA! This was GREAT! I was reading through thinking, Who else? Who else? I think your next guests should include:
- Genghis Khan (never a dull moment!)
- Napolean (how do you eat with one arm tucked into your jacket?)
- Axl Rose
Great, great post! Loved it!

Pearl said...

I would like late-night fried bananas and peanut butter sandwiches with Elvis in the Jungle Room at Graceland.

The younger Elvis, before he got messed up.


Shonda Little said...

One of the things most interesting about Jackson to me is that he basically adopted a boy who was orphaned by Jackson's troops. They all would be interesting guest. I think you should throw Squeaky Fromme in for good measure.

JBA said...

All the stuff you are all cooking is making me hungry!

Sparky, I think I missed the train. I only had quarters and couldn't by a ticket.

Teri, those pork ribs sound awesome and with a unique use of liquor. Can't go wrong there!

Pearl, thank you for clarifying the early Elvis. The old Elvis gives me the willies.

Audrey, so funny that you mention Napoleon. When I was writing I was soliciting my kids for ideas and Napoleon came up.

Shonda- that's news to me on Jackson about the adopted kid. I will have to dig out the biography we have around here somewhere. And, Squeaky would be a good guest.

I think I might need a bigger dining room for all of these guests!