Empty- Rambling Meditations on Parental Inadequacy

I feel like a phony. I think it's because this cold dark winter thing we have going on around here is getting a bit old. Worse yet, I feel like an empty phony. I know this is because I haven't seen the sun in weeks and I've been in the dark like a vampire bat. Seriously, I must hang from my toes at night. I'm pale and pasty and cranky and ugly and feeling like a big phony.

I'll get to the phony part: I have no business, no license, no reason on this earth to be attempting to raise two 13 year old boys to adulthood. Cripes, I can barely remember to pick up my dry cleaning. I can't possibly teach them all the right stuff in the next 5 years. My track record thusfar has been somewhat dismal (although to their credit, every once in a while, something appears to be sinking in. They haven't yet been driven home by the authorities)...

I present the following exhibits of my inadequacies to date which unlike your mutual funds are sure to be predictors, or in this case, harbingers of my future performance...

• No one picks up their dang clothes. Dirty clothes are 4 feet (or less!) from the laundry basket
• Wet towels are left to pollute the carpet
• Cracker wrappers are jammed into the cushions of my couch (This is NOT a fraternity house!)
• They make excuses and postpone things all the dang time.... I'll print my report in 15 minutes. Why the heck in 15 minutes? Are you expecting the world to end so you're saving on toner? What's wrong with NOW!?!?!
• No one is responsible for their own actions, or lack thereof. Seriously people. The Nobody character only exists in those crazy Family Circus cartoons.

It's pathetic. My attempts to teach them things are met with requests for cell phones and Mountain Dew. In a misguided attempt to make a point I pleaded with a boy to learn from his mistakes. Please, I begged. Just make different mistakes every time so I know you're moving on. At least be creative!

Life does not reward "E's" for effort. If they turn out to be bums and burdens on society, I'll be afraid to show myself in public. Life as that vampire bat is looking better and better. So is that empty milkshake glass. A milkshake should help right about now.