Oh No you Didn't

You, Mr (person on the phone whose name I cannot use lest I reveal more about myself in an open forum than is prudent), you did not just say (something that I cannot talk about here lest I reveal something that I really shouldn't say or repeat outside of the confines of my office).



You really said that didn't you? And you know what I have to do now? I have to use my very dignified, professional voice and demeanor to find the words to verbally pound you back into the Stone Ages. I have to very succinctly and directly tell you that if you ever say (something that I cannot talk about here) again or if you ever do (you know what you did Mr.) again, I may do something that I cannot reveal here, but that I would be smart enough to do in a way that would keep me from prosecution. (Or, there's always the federal prison system where a girl can make some nifty ponchos, but you Mr. are not worth it.)

Using my very best voice, I have to tell you (using only pleasantries that are appropriate for professional people in a professional environment), that if I were a cave person I would:

• put out your cave fire
• coat your feet with bear grease while you're sleeping
• contaminate your water supply with squirrel toe nails and frog guts
• burn your prehistoric squash seeds in my cave fire
• hide your thong- or whatever those cave man clothes are called
• unravel all of your cave rope
• leave an open can of tuna in the back of your cave (OK, that's anachronistic but it would attract angry wildlife and make the cave smelly)
• tell you that the next time the gods eat the sun your hair will fall out- all of it
• forget to wake you up for the migration- whoops!
• tell you that the coming Ice Age is just a little chill so there's no need to find a warmer thong
• find you a sabre tooth tiger kitten for a pet- a gift from me to you- nice kitty!
• help you score some extra wives from that super-friendly bronze age clan down river (did you know they call those things axes?)

You Mr. (name of person who must remain unspoken) should probably do what you're supposed to do and call back another time when you're ready to behave yourself. Now where did I leave that doll with all the pins?