First,let me say that I have closely followed the updates from the CDC, my local Health Department, the hospital and the tabloids. I have hung upon every word spoken by Anderson Cooper, Diane Sawyer, Katie Couric. It's times like these that people have to come together to help one another- be there for a neighbor, with offers of assistance.
I want to be YOUR HELPING HAND.
What, you say? How can this be that this person, will be there for me, in my hour of need? Well, hold on tight.
Anderson, Diane and Katie have all told me (they speak to me directly through the TV) that this flu bug cannot be acquired from pork products. This is good news for "The Other White Meat" and pig farmers everywhere. OK, but aren't you just a little fearful of that slab of back bacon in your refrigerator's meat drawer? Do you run in fear when rounding the grocery aisle where the bacon sits, menacingly in the case? Wouldn't you feel so much better knowing that someone was keeping an eye on your bacon during this crisis, protecting you from it, just in case?
I AM THAT PERSON! Send me your BACON!
Send me your bacon bits, your back bacon, your hickory smoked slices. Send it all. I will watch over it for you until we have the "all clear" from Anderson, Katie, Diane and the Weekly World News.
Now for the fine print.... I hereby do agree to take custody of your bacon. I cannot, however, guarantee that it will ever be returned to you in any form fit for human consumption. Your bacon will become a topping for my salads and a close friend of my eggs (over easy if you please).
I live to serve.