Thursday, December 11, 2008

Meanest Mom in the Universe!

Every day after work and school I ask myself a few questions:

1. How can I torture my children?
2. What can I make for dinner that will make them barf?
3. Can I get away with (for one more day) calling an onion a shallot?
4. Where did I hide the chocolate vodka?
5. How many hours until I go back to the office?

After our normal power struggle over normal things:

1. No you may not order knives off of that website.
2. No you may not get a cell phone with an unlimited texting plan like all the other kids on the bus whose parents clearly love them more than yours do.
3. No I will not make you a dinosaur diorama complete with edible plants and a volcano for school tomorrow.
4. No you cannot have a slumber party with 9 boys, 27 pizzas and some knives.
5. No you may not eat fruit snacks, PopTarts and drink green apple pop for dinner.

We do regular family things:

1. Locate all the lost socks.
2. Find all the homework you said you didn't have and do it at 9pm.
3. Count down the number of bites of the dinner containing "shallots" that will enable you to either leave the table or get a dessert or just leave the table for goodness sakes so we can load the dishwasher.
4. Say our prayers- really loudly, emphatically and repeatedly.
5. Say " COME ON GUYS!" 99,000 times.

I announced today that I had submitted a super, top secret application for TADA "The Meanest Mom in the Universe" award. Peter wanted to know how I applied, but I said if I revealed my sources I'd have to torture him with a spork (or a foon). Andrew was very nice and said I was nowhere near close to achieving the level of meanness required for this distinction. "Surely you'd have to lock us up and take away our video games for more than 30 minutes to win something like that!" Peter, on the other hand, spent the next 2 hours trying to figure out, in explicit detail, what I could do to torture him with a piece of combo picnic silverware all while rearranging faux shallots on his plate.

Time well spent indeed.

I think the awards are announced in Sweden in February.

P.S. There were some doubts that shallots were a real food. Indeed they are Peter and you may visit the shallot website.

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